As much as Zero Dark Thirty is not a Valentine's Day date movie, Zero Dark Valentine's is really not how you should go about finding out what your other half expects for V-Day. It is however, quite a good parody of the film (the guy even has Jason Clarke's curly but not too curled coiffure).

And just as an aside, gift cards aren't the worst thing that can happen. So suck it up if you get them.